Miscarriage Thoughts

 About Grief: 

You know what really sucks about grief? It can easily come in and steal the joy you do experience. As you start to come out of the fog, or on days that are actually decently good, it keeps you there as if you feel guilty for having a good day. There are hard days, but now not all of them are, or are not completely hard. But when the person in front of you asks how you’re doing, you feel as if you’re supposed to not be okay in this moment, even if life as a whole has been hard, maybe right now isn’t. Do I be honest and respond about life recently or right now? Grief can easily strip this moment of joys. As I’ve always said through storms previously, you can hold the good AND the hard. And the same is true with grief. Like when you’re crying about how much you miss your baby you never got to meet, while the baby you have in front of you is the cutest thing alive learning new things every moment. Like when your heart needs a quiet moment with Jesus, but can enjoy a good cup of coffee and the first candle you’ve lit in months. Like making pretty pies on a Monday while getting notified your memorial stone is arriving soon. I never imagined burying a child, nor planned for that. But I also know that I was meant to live alive. You know what I mean, I’m ready to dream again, to have some vigor. Just know friend, that you can share your joys with me. Even if there is deep pain. You’re allowed to experience both. But you’re allowed to sit with the hard for a bit too. You don’t have to fake it. Today I’m resting in this truth: “in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by. I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me.” ‭‭-Psalm‬ ‭57‬:‭1-2‬ , BUT ALSO in 57:8: “I will awake the dawn.” Giving glory to God, being so enraptured by His kindness and gentleness to me that I’m giving thanks even before the dawn comes. 

For the Ones We Never Got to Hold: 

Just when the blackberries are starting to get ripe and the best sunsets happen, I’ll think of you. I’ll think of the dirty little face I never got to see, the laugh I never got to hear, the funny things you’d say, and the little plump hand I’ll never get to hold. I’ll think of you when someday, Lord willing, your daddy really will have to build that bunk bed and the spring time comes and you’re not in it. I thought I knew how to be grateful before, but you’ve made me hold the little life I have been entrusted with a little tighter and know the gift that you were a little further. Mama loves you.

I hope you’ve never had to write a goodbye letter to your unborn child, but I also recommend it for the grieving process. Grief like this is backwards, instead of missing all the things that have been, you miss all the things that won’t be. The feelings inside me aren’t the ones that I’m excited to publicly put out, but still I feel the need to share. I share because I know when others have done so, it’s inspired the way I think and live. And normalizing sharing the hard, honoring life, no matter how small, and walking out pain with others is a platform I want to speak from. We don’t always get to choose the platforms or influence we’ve been given, but I want to use them well. We won’t know why our little cheerio stopped growing, we don’t know why we will never get to hold them this side of heaven, we won’t know why God chose to be the one to get to love them more than we ever could, but we rest in that. My husband said it well, “we loved them their whole life.” And we love them still, and long to see them some day. We’re being held together by the One who holds all things. At the end of the day He is kind, faithful, and cares for our hearts, if we let Him. 

I have once again been amazed at just how many people have experienced this kind of loss and pain. SO MANY women have told me that they have walked this road before, some that I knew of and some that I hadn’t. Again, a reminder that pain is meant to be shared. Because I can’t imagine going through this alone. And hope you won’t. Because you don’t have to. It’s not too late. 🤍