Adventure Ahead

I’m quite certain that there’s more to my journey. I haven’t learned all there is to learn about myself and the way I operate, process, and the way my experience has influenced the way I do life and relationships. But I’m thankful for what I have figured out. The fears I’ve disarmed, the lies I can put to rest, the insecurities that I can identify as such, and the decisions I can make with more eagerness and excitement. 

I’m going to tell you on the front end: It all comes down to sticking with what I do know and truly trusting the Lord. There will always be a million things I don’t know, and likely that you don’t know. But I would bet that there’s things you do know. As my brother told me a while back, “Hannah, the normal person has about two considerations, you have 16 and they all matter the same…we often don’t get all the answers until it’s too late.” I don’t know if it’s the biggest comfort to have someone understand you that well or scary….Often it comes down to a matter of faith. If we had all the answers, where’s the faith in that? There wouldn’t be any. We wouldn’t need any. 

I love adventure, I’m a seeker of adventure. I’m convinced that if I wasn’t a midwife I’d be transient and flighty, wanting home base, but not landing too long. It’s probably been good for me. And a frustration. My heart craves freedom and I have to find it in other ways. But my heart needs freedom, and we long for freedom. It’s been hard to realize within myself that as much as I love adventure and spontaneity I have a hard time with change. I can go into almost any situation not knowing anything that’s going to happen and not only make the best of it, but thrive in it. But if I start to have a grasp for what’s going to happen and still have unknowns, I’d rather run. I am the prodigal son. I want what’s intended for me, now, or not at all. I don’t settle well in the in betweens. Between what was and what’s to come. I’m comfortable here but if I know there’s a next thing, I want that too. But I don’t want that place between the two. And so I push one or the other away. Or emotions. Or people in the process not realizing it. 

I don’t have enough information to be confident, so I question. I hold myself(and have held my relationship) to extremely high standards. I’ve felt the weight of trying to please God so hard that I had to learn that God isn’t just waiting for me to make mistakes. I’ve wanted things so bad, that I’ve tried to tear them apart in the process of trying to succeed. But that’s MY trying, failing, pleasing. Friends, there isn’t peace there. It’s hard to follow the peace when I’m trying to create the peace. Peace comes from the Lord, and folks it’s so real, it almost feels tangible. A bit about fear: Either it’s from you (or the enemy, or your story), or it’s from God as a guidepost. That was the biggest shift for me. I had to box up all my fears (questions, unknowns), yes, every single one of them, and there were A LOT. I had to box them all up and simply ask, Jesus, what are the fears that you would have me be mindful of or pick back up? None of them? Then, it was time to hand them over. All of them. And let the shift happen. A crazy big, noticeable shift. 

Wholehearted yeses and confident decisions. Knowing what He has said, and not listening to what He hasn’t. There’s always more. And it’s usually not like what I thought it would look like. I didn’t know the big things I was scared of. And you probably don’t either, at least some of them. But they can hold us paralyzed. Either not moving forward or bound to analysis paralysis. Your biggest adventures are yet ahead. But you probably won’t know that without first trusting. Don’t wait to trust the Lord with this. He knows what you need. And it is good.