I Need You to Know

There’s this whole new world, bright and fun and strange. Dating is something else. I’ve never experienced anything like it, actually. It’s the best and it’s hard; said in the most honoring way. It just is. Initially there’s a whole lot of awkward, confusing, unknown, many a moment where I asked, “why has no one ever told me this??” It’s not all just fairy tales and whimsical moments (though I do still question often, “Is this too good to be true??”). This is it. This is us. And that’s what I would say,  your story will be your own story.  And that’s what makes it so fun. I’m not trying to make my story look like anyone else's. We live our individual lives and God guides each of us along different paths. That's what gives me confidence as I go forward. 

I'm just gonna say it how it is. This is the third time I’ve tried to write a post; each time I get into it, and just not feeling like it's quite what needs to be conveyed. There's so much when it comes to dating and relationships that I don't know, but there's a whole lot that I feel like I've learned, or at least hope I'm learning. I feel this great need, more than potentially ever before. I have a new sphere of influence that I’ve never been granted access to before. Girls, I want to convey some things so strongly that it makes me emotional. Ladies, I want I need you to know some things. This is my seemingly meager attempt to start the conversation. Your relationship does not need to look like everything that you have seen. I only had one real hope as I became a girlfriend for the first time, and it was this: I wanted to somehow display a new normal. That maybe the brokenness you’ve experienced isn’t all there is. I’m not perfect, we’re not perfect. Relationships that end aren’t a failure. But here’s my bullet points to take note of as I just skim the surface. 

• Relationships are awkward. In the best way, but awkward nonetheless. Maybe we were/are more awkward than the average couple, but I'm kinda convinced that if they're not, well, you might be doing something really right or really wrong. I had no concept of this. It was my first "Why has no one ever talked about this??" I'm serious. I had to push through the awkward, the hard. It's weird to go from just chill hanging out as friends to suddenly trying to figure us out. And I think this is important to say because I think especially girls would be tempted to push back, step back, flee, and say no thanks. It might be easy to question is this alright, is this okay, maybe we're not compatible; when in reality, maybe you need to push through the awkward to get to the good. I've heard everyone tell their stories as: we met, we had some fun turn of events, we fell in love, and got married. Yayyy. And that's it. No in betweens, no awkward, no hard. Like somehow this phase just gets overlooked? I made note of that. That maybe this is a part of the story too and is worth not skipping over. Maybe even here, I don't want to miss this. And as I say all of that, there really are hardly any awkward questions now, because it's worth working through.
• As a run on from that: Openness and honesty are crucial. I'm super thankful that I'm with someone that does this better than I do. I've had very few moments the entire last few months that I had to question anything- intentions, thoughts, questions. The willingness and ability to talk through your questions, what matters, how you feel, increases comfort and decreases doubt. Start early, do it often. Yet another way that I have felt very valued and cared for through this. As you go forward, it is so reassuring to know that I can continue to be open as I get to receive the same. Though, I know it's something I need to work on. Openness builds with trust, and I'm learning the both. 
• I didn't know it could look like this. Now, I don't necessarily know what I thought it would look like so that might seem a little funny to say. However, let me attempt to try to explain. I have never felt so valued in my life. We’re talking opened doors, positioned on the “right” side of the street, all the gentlemanly manners, but it doesn’t just stop there. It’s consistent- not just on those special occasions. It’s the patience and prayer. It’s the asking of questions. For example, it may seem funny initially, but I was asked if it was okay for him to put his arm around me, before he ever did. That builds confidence and security. I’ve needed more time than I knew would be necessary as we move along in the process and he’s been willing to walk accordingly or wait. I also NEVER imagined my story to look like this either. I didn’t know that I would start dating a guy that I had known for less than a year, that it would be in a new town, place in life, someone none of my family knows, very different than me, etc. etc. I would advise to walk cautiously to anyone, that’s just basic life choices 101. However, I think through my experience, I would say don’t discredit the different. Listen to what God has lead you through before, and sometimes as you do that, I think sometimes God enjoys giving us not what we thought we wanted, but what we really need. 
• If you’re not bettered by them, say “bye boy.” I can’t emphasize enough that it’s worth being with someone you are bettered by, challenged by. If you’re not better with them, I think I can confidently say, you’ll be better without them. That will look different for everyone. I’m not going to lay out what that will look like for you. But in your heart, I would bet you know what that looks like or feels like. Don’t follow your heart, follow where your heart needs growth. I know that my ideal has definitely shifted, not because he came along, but because before he came along, I narrowed down what was really, really important. 
• It’s okay to make a list. But keep it short. I had moved to a new area, knew that I would be confronted with being the new girl, that undoubtedly I would have to consider the list of “potentials”, and I knew I needed to be able to say, if he doesn’t fit, I can say no. I have a list of 5 things. That’s it. I narrowed it down to the things that were absolutely necessary. Not the negatives. But the deal- breakers in the positive sense. Worded differently: He must be. And make your list. Through prayer. Know what it is you are going to say no to. Because if you don’t the world will keep telling you differently. Somebody might make up your mind for you. 
• Keep praying. Keep seeking. I thought I’d get an automatic yes from God. I haven’t and I have been asking. And that’s not what I thought it would be. But I have peace with where I’m at and moving forward; I know I haven’t yet gotten a no. What I have gotten is this, keep walking in obedience, keep living a life that’s honoring, keep trusting Me. I’ve got you either way. When my life isn’t built around the identity of being his girlfriend, I won’t be completely devastated if Jesus told me to give it up. It would suck, sure. No way around that. But it would not be the end of the world. I think for me personally, Jesus has had to teach me a few lessons I didn’t know I needed. And for this season in my life, he’s tenderly and graciously chosen to hold me during this time and slowly and gently whisper to my heart the things it has needed all along. I get to somehow, even though I don’t feel worthy, get just a glimpse at the kind of heart Jesus has for me, through this. The way we are delighted in and given worth. And again, this is just the smallest, slightest glimpse of the reward of heaven, our perfect King. I struggle with being loved and cared for. It’s actually hard for me, even though it’s the one thing my heart needs. I struggle with letting Jesus love me, just as I have a hard time letting this kind man love me. Jesus whispers, will you let me? Insecurity and trust. And because of the way that Jesus has chosen to do it, I’ve had to rely on Him every step of the way. And that’s hard, but it’s something that I’ve never had to trust Him with before, and to that end, I have new confidence, new reliance. 

I’m not here to preach a “You deserve better!” agenda. I’m here to say just as adamantly that he deserves better too. I’ve had to reevaluate, reprioritize life, and seek to live in a way that has no regrets. I know I’ll fail miserably at being a girlfriend that any man needs if I am not first seeking His kingdom and His righteousness. As you do that, seek how to serve each other while you’re at it. Seek the other’s good, that’s a foundation you can build on. Talk about your faith, ask good questions, pray hard, pray together, but as you do all of that, turn the microscope around on yourself too.